Be Still

 

How do we face our demons, when even their shadows leave us paralyzed? My friend asked me today, as I walked out of the office before lunch – “How are you going to pay for everything working part time?”

She was genuinely concerned for me. I responded with a shrug and “I hear stripping pays well.”

She wasn’t very amused.

I honestly have never been in a position where so much of my life is uncertain. If I think too much about my problems, it leaves me breathless.

But there’s something inside of me, some innocent, untouched portion of my soul silently cheering me on; excited for the change, encouraging me to keep moving forward. You’ll be fine, it whispers into the chambers of my bleeding heart. And I believe it.

I have a fear of getting old and realizing my life passed me by in the blink of an eye, because that’s what older people always tell you – “One minute I’m a young lass, swaying with the crowd at a concert, uninhibited, carefree, topless and then the next moment I’m sitting in a nursing home, staring out a dreary window onto the interstate, watching cars drive by, mashed potatoes on my chin, excited at the thought of bedtime.”

I don’t want that to be my reality. I’ve been reading this book that provides 365 ways to increase your frequency throughout the year to live better and be happier. One passage invited me to observe my surroundings as a child does. The author advises us that we are generally running on autopilot, which I can attest to, and children don’t – They become fascinated with a butterfly that lands somewhere nearby, or they stare at the white and sooty popcorn ceiling, imagining the paintings and portraits within. They don’t live for tomorrow, because today is the most important day in the world.  Today I stood outside in my driveway, probably looking like an asylum patient in my pajamas and tornado hair, and just stared at the trees. I couldn’t believe how many bids I could hear. I experienced serenity and peace in that moment and it allowed me to take the rest of the day with this mentality.

There’s a lot of beauty in the world that goes unseen and unheard only because we’re too busy filling ourselves with empty desires and fruitless worries.

If you’re reading this, just stop for a moment and listen to your surroundings. For just a moment in time, be still.

What of change?

Writing about change is hard. People have different problems and it is unique to them. However, there is a common thread to positive change, something we can all agree on is necessary to create the desired effect of change – changing your mindset. Our reality is only our perception of it. Sure, we can all interpret certain facts the same way such as The World Is Round. Most people agree to this. The emotions attached to that fact differ with each of our perspectives. The world is a beautiful sphere with life and endless possibility. Or this spinning magical orb is a dimension designed to sustain spiritual beings that create OR the earth is a ball that spins and we do stuff on it. You get the idea. We all see things in a different way.

I’ve had a major shift in the way I interpret my reality and it has caused a massive change in my circumstances. Allow me to demonstrate – I am broke. I am also sad a lot. I am confused about my internal state of affairs and I didn’t see the point of life anymore. I couldn’t see past the wave engulfing me and it about destroyed me. But I triumphed. How? I decided to view life from another angle. And you can, too.

Everyone has this power. The hard part is deciding to take the step. There are so many excuses we give ourselves to not pursue that job or go after that girl/guy. We push our passions to the side because we limit ourselves with the mistaken belief that we just aren’t good enough. Or maybe, deep down, we’re not sure we can handle the success. Or, perhaps, we are afraid of failing at what we love the most. Rough, eh? That’s what kills our dreams, the mind tricking us into believing that we just can’t do it. But you see, your mind is actually, by design, masochistic. I’ll tell you why – evolutionarily speaking, your brain seeks to be in a comfortable state at all times. Comfortable is safe. Comfortable allows you to see into the future (or so we think). Any modification to our routine upsets the mind because our brain wants to protect us and so it imagines the worst possible scenario with any variation in order to keep us ‘alive’. If it can’t predict the future, how can it keep us safe?

Now let me tell you something else – your mind is your worst enemy when it comes to making a positive change. You have to train it just like a puppy to trust you. The overbearing mother in your head doesn’t know what is best or what you are capable of. It can’t see beyond the discomfort and that doubt becomes a massive roadblock. Try this exercise – Next time you encounter a problem in your life, imagine the worst possible scenario and then… Accept it. Accept the most terrible outcome of your situation. Doing this frees you. After you’ve accepted the worst, your mind switches gears to problem-solving mode and leaves you to think up a creative solution that you otherwise would not have had the mental energy to do because you were too busy worrying about the worst. For most of us, the worst never happens. That is statistically true. Dale Carnegie says so.

I was working a full time job at an insurance company that was sucking the soul right out of my mouth, daily, 9-5. I thought I had to because I have a mortgage and responsibilities but this, my friends, is a trap. I was so afraid that I would lose my mind or lose my job and then lose my house and stop living. I wanted to be a writer and travel the world but this fear of dying of hunger or being bombarded by collection calls kept me from making any changes. So I figured, after a bout of anxiety attacks and countless sleepless nights, that if I was going to live a life as a shell, I might as well live it out doing what I wanted to do.

So I made changes. I didn’t quit my job, but I did go down to part time. I have been selling all the useless junk that I don’t need and I cut out luxuries that cost more than any pleasure they could have possibly afforded me. I use my extra time to write just for myself or to share with other people. I see my friends and family and I cook thrifty meals at home. I have had to become resourceful and it has been so exciting. No, I don’t make millions. No, I can’t travel to Europe – yet. But I see that as a possibility now. If I lose my house, then I lose my house. I’ll find a job or do something else that actually interests me to survive and who knows, maybe that will let me see more of the world.

Don’t be afraid to make a change for yourself. You have one life to live, whether you believe in reincarnation or the afterlife or whatever. This is the only opportunity you have, now, in this moment, to do what drives you. Let your inspiration guide you and trust yourself. You might just inspire others to do the same, and how cool of a world would that be? Where everyone does whatever makes them happy.. and then shares it with the world.

Challenge: Accepted

Lately it seems like I’ve been stuck in a rut. Every new avenue I explore leads to a dead end and it is quite disheartening. There are so many dreams I want to fulfill for myself; traveling has always been the salve to my soul. So, what is the best way to face a challenge of seeming stagnation and overcome it? How does one take undesired aspects of one’s life and work them until its molded into something desired?

With the scientific method, of course.

I graduated with a biology degree. My diploma is currently sitting on a shelf, gathering dust, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still have a valuable skillset at my disposal. Here’s my attempt at identifying issues, gathering data and vaulting over challenges. Maybe you could add your own flair to it. Add your own valuable skills into the equation and you will succeed. Honestly, it is only a matter of time.

My problem: I work at a call center. I don’t want to work at a call center. I need the money to maintain rent, food and my large dog. My job occasionally leaves me dead inside.

Goals: to have a steady income from writing so that I may travel. Also, writing is cool. Also, writing doesn’t leave me dead inside.

Steps: Great question..

Just kidding

But seriously..

What steps do I take? Well firstly, securing some kind of job in the writing field, even as a freelancer. Something, anything to dip my toe in. For many of us, putting ourselves out there is a terrifying endeavor. Rejection is real and it can be a real downer. But that’s not the type of mindset that will get you anywhere you want to be.

The first real step is acknowledging your fears, babying them, and then throwing them into a pit of fire. Because that is where they belong. So what if someone rejects you? JK Rowling was rejected countless times before a publisher decided to take a risk. Look at her now. Sheesh. And she’s a real person.

After deciding to push aside unproductive fear, the next step is discipline. Creating a routine puts focus on your goals. Tracking your progress allows you to see how far you’ve come and builds confidence. I believe, this is key. And after some time, once you’ve realized that you aren’t going to give up on yourself, that’s when the real magic happens.

Lastly, education. Read all the books. And I mean ALL OF THEM. Read a book a week about the subject you want to be a master in. Listen to podcasts. Have conversations with strangers or friends, whatever. It doesn’t matter. Just immerse yourself and integrate your passion into everything you do.

Eventually, the right contact will notice you, the right employer will pick up your resume and smile or the right investor will throw money at you for your excellent idea.

Just don’t quit.

 

Flying Solo

Allow me to update you on the current chaos that is my life

Still 25. Still divorced.

However –

I have successfully moved 12 hours away from my family.

I have my own place (It’s pretty nice if I may say so myself), and a well paying, corporate job. Imagine that. Quite an upgrade from living in your parent’s office and serving coffee to America’s disgruntled workforce.

Now, although this may be true, my coffee table is a cardboard box, my fridge contents can be counted on one hand and my couch also happens to serve as my bed. I couldn’t be happier. It’s all mine and I worked hard for it.

Living alone for the first time in my life is, well, lonely. I come home ready to share an epic work story, but my wall isn’t much of a conversationalist and my cat quickly loses interest. Fickle beast.

I do appreciate the solitude for the growth that it offers. When you’re forced to face your ugly truths, there’s no better time or place to do it than when you’re alone in your apartment at 2 am, trying to murder the radioactive monster roach on your ceiling with a towel and a can of hairspray. I did that, by the way. And after I disposed of his body, I sat in my bedroom floor and wailed the pity is me song. Where’s that great man in my life who will take care of the bugs for me? Where is the one who calls me as he’s driving home from work, asking me what I’d like for dinner? Will I never have a loving foot massage again?

The ugly truth is that I don’t know how to be alone. I am afraid to consider a future without a partner. I never thought I was someone who needed another person to be happy but when you’ve been in a committed relationship for 7 years and that suddenly drops off, it leaves you breathless as you spiral down the single void. I never realized how much I needed that human interaction. And, if we’re being honest, how little I valued it at the time. So what’s my next learning experience? Killing cockroaches like Al Pacino.

Kidding.

Kind of.

My next learning experience is learning how to depend solely on myself.

So far I’ve installed my own internet and cable (they were going to charge me $70 for someone to come out?! Crazy.) I have hooked up my own washer and dryer. I’ve assembled my own bed. I cook and clean and I take care of the bills. All by myself. Like a big girl.

I know that eventually, I will learn to love this new, solo lifestyle but I don’t know how to adjust to not having some emotional rock to cling to. Having no one to share your day with is the hardest part of this business.

But I’m going to learn how to live happily without that.

Although…

I don’t know who to call when I can’t get that damn wine bottle open.

2016 – Please Just Die

Let’s be real for a moment, 2016 has been shit for everyone, am I right? That’s what I’ve gathered from all the memes and news posts of people dying.

Personally, it’s been one of the most difficult years of my life. This year alone I have gone through 3 different jobs, left my husband, was rejected, moved in with my parents and experienced financial struggles like never before.

The year isn’t over yet, and it’s not finished with me, either. I was hired at a good company back home but my background check left me red flagged thanks to a job I left due to sexual harassment. My car just broke down on me and to top it all off, I no longer can stay where I intended to stay because someone has decided to rent the house I was intending to rent. Most people would be in tears, I’m sure, from this series of unfortunate events, but I can’t cry because I am too busy LAUGHING.

Life is all about perspective.

I came across an interesting article on numerology http://feliciabender.com/blog/2016-numerology-forecast/

Now, I don’t know how you feel about topics like numerology, but hear me out on this. Numerology, for those who aren’t familiar with the term, is “the universal language of numbers” that carries an energetic pattern and can be used as a prediction tool. In numerology, each number has a specific energy and this can be applied to any aspect of life. For more specific information check out this link -> http://www.numerology.com/about-numerology

What I am most interested in is 2016/2017. 2016 has the number 9 as its unique energetic number or pattern. The number 9 is a number of completion; a number of endings. This year has been just that – cutting our losses and saying goodbye. Yes, it’s been chaos but that chaos was needed to spur on the growth. It was needed to thrust those of us that do not like making decisions (I.E. ME), into a decision. 9 is a number dedicated to transformation, like the final stages a caterpillar undergoes before breaking free from its cocoon, and this has been evident in not just our personal lives, but on a global level. This year was a trial dedicated to preparing our minds for a new beginning, a fresh start.

2017 is a 1 year. The number 1 is a number of creation. It is a powerful and forceful number, not allowing obstacles to stand in the way for long. This will be a year of doing and achieving. We had 2016 to eliminate the negativity out of our lives and now 2017 will be the year of pursuing the dreams we were too intimidated by at first. We had our year to simplify and now after clearing all that mental and maybe even literal clutter, we can focus on the important things in life – what truly matters. Goals, dreams, relationships, whatever it may be for you.

What I would really like to focus on is following my dreams of being a writer. I’d also love to pour more into my personal relationships with my friends and my family. I have been humbled by how supportive and loving they have been throughout this ordeal.

I am still thinking about my theme for 2017. After a year of releasing my fears, I feel that it is necessary to apply for a softer theme. Maybe it’s my year of expressing love? Nah, too emotionally involved.

A Rejected Introduction: Welcome To My Life

Call me Nel. I’m a simple gal, lover of nature and food enthusiast. My life has been a cosmic joke and, as of late, I’ve decided to laugh along with everyone else. I invite you to do the same.

Growing up without a role model can be a positive and negative deal. On the up side, I developed a very unique sense of ‘self’. I, also, trust myself more than the average joe and have developed my intuition to the point that it borders psychic awareness. Now, on the downside, I fail a lot. And I mean, A LOT. My experience is my teacher, not some third party, and that leaves me to my own devices when faced with new challenges and unknowns. Combine that with devilish curiosity and no shame and you have a recipe for disaster. ME.

My experiences may provide nothing more than comic relief to you, which is fine by me. But in the case that you do happen to glean some sliver of knowledge, some slice of advice – that would mean that I have succeeded as a human being.

STORY TIME –

I begin each year with a new theme. For example, 2016 was the year of “Facing My Fears”. Needless to say, it was an uncomfortable year for me. I have many fears and actively putting myself in a position where I am wishing for a quick death is idiotic. But I did it. And I’m glad I did.

You see, I’ve discovered that I am not actually as afraid as I once thought I was. What I was most afraid of was making a fool of myself, and in 2016, I made a fool of myself so often that my mind is callous to being judged. Now you may think that isn’t very wise of me, and perhaps it isn’t, but it’s opened a lot of doors. I never knew how much of myself I held back and how unhappy that made me until I refused to be governed by some vague notion of fear.

A fear that I shared with many people, I believe, was the fear of being Rejected. YES. Who wants to be rejected?? No one. Rejection cuts your ego in half with no mercy. It leaves you bleeding and crying in your shame and worthlessness; a messy and ugly puddle on the floor. Being rejected is the absolute worst. Or is it? Well, guess who found out. ME.

This year I experienced the trauma called DIVORCE. I’m only 25, mind you. But this isn’t where rejection reared its serpentine head. Hahahaha. No.

I was married for 3 years. In my last year of marriage, my husband and I invited our longtime friend to room with us, hoping to save some money on rent and help a friend out at the same time. Now our friend, we’ll call him Robert, was incredibly attractive. And charming. And talented. Did I mention he was incredibly attractive?

I never viewed him that way, though. In fact, I was his counselor in matters of the heart. Robert felt comfortable sharing his experiences with me, seeking advice from his older, sister-like figure. As time passed, Robert shared more of his dreams and opinions and less about romantic issues. We had a lot in common and enjoyed challenging each other’s views or building on one another’s ideas. We would engage in deep, mind-blowing conversation and he would take opportunities to touch me on the arm, my shoulder, my hair. As time passed, our relationship was beginning to feel much more intimate than a friendship should. I blame proximity. And then Robert moved out.

I was heartbroken. At this point, I had realized that I was trash who had neglected her husband and had fallen in love with a younger man. I didn’t care. My husband and I were always more friendly than sexual, and I was a HO FO SHO. I needed that sexual, romantic attention. So when I was swept away by Robert, I honestly wasn’t that surprised at myself.

After he moved out, we all still kept in touch. Robert would drop by pretty often to ‘chill’. We continued to deepen our mental connection as my husband and I drifted further apart.

It was Fall, 2016. I was in the middle of a move to another state. My husband had stayed behind to take care of our home and whatnot. I returned home after a rigorous job search to find that Robert was there. Have you ever felt like your heart would betray you by beating out. Of. Your. Chest? ME.

Ok, so, Robert is there, our eyes meet, and BOOM. Fireworks. AHHHHH. It was movie-worthy. The moment was so romantic and taboo, which to my wicked mind just made it that much more sexy. Don’t skewer me for my honesty.

That night, Robert confessed his feelings to me. To attempt to describe my emotions in words for that moment is ludicrous. But here’s my attempt: Confusion, ecstasy, sadness, regret, hope, love, diarrhea. Yeah, you read that right. I had the WORST CASE OF DIARRHEA at that exact moment because, you see, I’ve been on the road for the past week and it had left me rather irregular. I wish I was lying, I really do because his confession was so poetic and beautiful that I could have cried. Instead, I was crying from the extreme discomfort in my bowels. I couldn’t even form a coherent thought, from the pressure of holding back the blowout. I was entering dangerous territory and Robert just kept going on and on about how he just wants to see me happy and that I have a beautiful mind, and all I could think was ‘Please, for the love of God, LEAVE. I HAVE TO POO.’

The next morning I delivered the blow to my husband.. “This isn’t working.”

He wasn’t surprised. He was a bit shocked and hurt from the rejection, but he had expected it. Husband even admitted to thinking about being single at least Once A Day. Like a multivitamin.

Anyway. Fast forward.

A month passes by. I am living in a different state. I am alone.

I decided to contact Robert with a beautiful, soul-wrenching confession of my own. My intuition had raised some red flags but my train of thought was, “He confessed to me.. surely he still feels the same way. What do I have to fear?”

HAHA.

Yeah, his reply was, “The moment was a passing phase of the moon.”

I was REJECTED. Oh My God. I was dumbfounded. How could he reject, ME? This was supposed to be fail-proof.

Nah, Fam. Life is full of unexpected surprises. I do have to admit that being rejected was one of the most freeing experiences thus far.

I felt like that was the last link of the chain holding me down in that toxic mindset of I need to please. I was finally free to be myself. To pursue myself. To please myself.

I read his reply, sat still for a moment, and then exploded in absolute laughter. I laughed until I cried. I trampled that fear with absolute delight. I was rejected, and it was hilarious. And just like that *SNAP* I gained some sense of inner wisdom. I walked taller, prouder. Here I was, a divorced, 25 year-old Barista, living with her parents and being rejected by a former flame. I felt so strong for facing my fear of rejection; for being true to my feelings; for being open and uninhibited. I realized how depressed and boxed in I had felt these past three years and now, well, now the world was my oyster.