Allow me to update you on the current chaos that is my life

Still 25. Still divorced.

However –

I have successfully moved 12 hours away from my family.

I have my own place (It’s pretty nice if I may say so myself), and a well paying, corporate job. Imagine that. Quite an upgrade from living in your parent’s office and serving coffee to America’s disgruntled workforce.

Now, although this may be true, my coffee table is a cardboard box, my fridge contents can be counted on one hand and my couch also happens to serve as my bed. I couldn’t be happier. It’s all mine and I worked hard for it.

Living alone for the first time in my life is, well, lonely. I come home ready to share an epic work story, but my wall isn’t much of a conversationalist and my cat quickly loses interest. Fickle beast.

I do appreciate the solitude for the growth that it offers. When you’re forced to face your ugly truths, there’s no better time or place to do it than when you’re alone in your apartment at 2 am, trying to murder the radioactive monster roach on your ceiling with a towel and a can of hairspray. I did that, by the way. And after I disposed of his body, I sat in my bedroom floor and wailed the pity is me song. Where’s that great man in my life who will take care of the bugs for me? Where is the one who calls me as he’s driving home from work, asking me what I’d like for dinner? Will I never have a loving foot massage again?

The ugly truth is that I don’t know how to be alone. I am afraid to consider a future without a partner. I never thought I was someone who needed another person to be happy but when you’ve been in a committed relationship for 7 years and that suddenly drops off, it leaves you breathless as you spiral down the single void. I never realized how much I needed that human interaction. And, if we’re being honest, how little I valued it at the time. So what’s my next learning experience? Killing cockroaches like Al Pacino.

cockroach

Kidding.

Kind of.

My next learning experience is learning how to depend solely on myself.

So far I’ve installed my own internet and cable (they were going to charge me $70 for someone to come out?! Crazy.) I have hooked up my own washer and dryer. I’ve assembled my own bed. I cook and clean and I take care of the bills. All by myself. Like a big girl.

I know that eventually, I will learn to love this new, solo lifestyle but I don’t know how to adjust to not having some emotional rock to cling to. Having no one to share your day with is the hardest part of this business.

But I’m going to learn how to live happily without that.

Although…

I don’t know who to call when I can’t get that damn wine bottle open.

wine

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