Tea With Wolves

Honestly Honest

Why is honesty so difficult?

I came across this question in a journal prompt. At first I thought, I don’t want to write about this. I don’t lie so how is this relative?

That was a lie. Have you ever had someone invite you out or been late to a meeting and instead of telling the truth you blame traffic or create a false scenario? We lie to save ourselves from embarrassment or to keep from hurting someone’s feelings. It is fear that has us spinning a web of lies and this fear comes from our book of past hurts.

We’ve all had negative experiences and sometimes it’s difficult to come to terms with that reality. Who wants to face a pool of deep trauma and relive the emotional onslaught of that memory we attempted to bury alive? I’d much rather be slapped stupid then have to face an immediate truth. And lying to ourselves and others keeps us from having to face the ugly right off hand. Maybe we can run away from it.. No. Lies never die. They are immortal. Sooner or later, they will resurface from their grave.

Alas, the truth will set you free.

We do ourselves a disservice by not being honest. Living a lie is draining. And people have a way of picking up on your energy – being dishonest with yourself or others makes you noticeably inauthentic.

The truth allows you to truly see and know yourself. Imagine living a life where you are yourself, unapologetically and fully. It is my belief that in order for anyone to be content in this life or to experience true joy must have a sense of self-awareness. By being honest, we nourish this mindset.

It’s a lifestyle change and requires practice. Take a moment to write down a completely honest entry about a feeling you have or a thought or some experience… and then throw it away.



Little Bean

Curious spirits circle my head

They prod and they poke

As if looking for bread


But my mind has been starved

Its parched from a drought

No roast has been carved

For the spirits to scout


Yet a stubborn green seedling

Feels its way through

Breaking the ground

Of the brains sinew


From where this seed came

The spirits do wonder

When the desert beyond

Holds no other blunder


Instead of devouring this gentle new life

They nourish and cheer

This young little sprout


And so hope rises from dust and debris

To allow each a passage

Across the great sea

Something New to Try


Small changes lead to big changes. Switch your coffee for green tea. Wake up 15 minutes earlier and meditate or do a few stretches. Don’t pickup your phone for the first hour of your day. Instead of listening to sad or destructive music on your way to work, listen to something uplifting, like a positive podcast or music that raises your frequency. Everyday, name 5 things you are grateful for. Your body and mind will thank you.

Our habits are what pave our lifestyle. Surround yourself with negativity, and you will absorb and become just that. Surround yourself with positivity and you not only make your own life more enjoyable, but also those who you encounter throughout the day. Goodness is tangible.



Be Still


How do we face our demons, when even their shadows leave us paralyzed? My friend asked me today, as I walked out of the office before lunch – “How are you going to pay for everything working part time?”

She was genuinely concerned for me. I responded with a shrug and “I hear stripping pays well.”

She wasn’t very amused.

I honestly have never been in a position where so much of my life is uncertain. If I think too much about my problems, it leaves me breathless.

But there’s something inside of me, some innocent, untouched portion of my soul silently cheering me on; excited for the change, encouraging me to keep moving forward. You’ll be fine, it whispers into the chambers of my bleeding heart. And I believe it.

I have a fear of getting old and realizing my life passed me by in the blink of an eye, because that’s what older people always tell you – “One minute I’m a young lass, swaying with the crowd at a concert, uninhibited, carefree, topless and then the next moment I’m sitting in a nursing home, staring out a dreary window onto the interstate, watching cars drive by, mashed potatoes on my chin, excited at the thought of bedtime.”

I don’t want that to be my reality. I’ve been reading this book that provides 365 ways to increase your frequency throughout the year to live better and be happier. One passage invited me to observe my surroundings as a child does. The author advises us that we are generally running on autopilot, which I can attest to, and children don’t – They become fascinated with a butterfly that lands somewhere nearby, or they stare at the white and sooty popcorn ceiling, imagining the paintings and portraits within. They don’t live for tomorrow, because today is the most important day in the world.  Today I stood outside in my driveway, probably looking like an asylum patient in my pajamas and tornado hair, and just stared at the trees. I couldn’t believe how many bids I could hear. I experienced serenity and peace in that moment and it allowed me to take the rest of the day with this mentality.

There’s a lot of beauty in the world that goes unseen and unheard only because we’re too busy filling ourselves with empty desires and fruitless worries.

If you’re reading this, just stop for a moment and listen to your surroundings. For just a moment in time, be still.


He sat in front of me, a blue river of lyrics flowing from his mouth, plucking stars out of the darkened sky

My bleeding heart sat still as a tree, growing slowly on the mountain of tears

Whether I was sad or happy I didn’t know. Emotions painted the mural above his head a bright green, red and gray. For what could it be other than poetry.

What of change?

Writing about change is hard. People have different problems and it is unique to them. However, there is a common thread to positive change, something we can all agree on is necessary to create the desired effect of change – changing your mindset. Our reality is only our perception of it. Sure, we can all interpret certain facts the same way such as The World Is Round. Most people agree to this. The emotions attached to that fact differ with each of our perspectives. The world is a beautiful sphere with life and endless possibility. Or this spinning magical orb is a dimension designed to sustain spiritual beings that create OR the earth is a ball that spins and we do stuff on it. You get the idea. We all see things in a different way.

I’ve had a major shift in the way I interpret my reality and it has caused a massive change in my circumstances. Allow me to demonstrate – I am broke. I am also sad a lot. I am confused about my internal state of affairs and I didn’t see the point of life anymore. I couldn’t see past the wave engulfing me and it about destroyed me. But I triumphed. How? I decided to view life from another angle. And you can, too.

Everyone has this power. The hard part is deciding to take the step. There are so many excuses we give ourselves to not pursue that job or go after that girl/guy. We push our passions to the side because we limit ourselves with the mistaken belief that we just aren’t good enough. Or maybe, deep down, we’re not sure we can handle the success. Or, perhaps, we are afraid of failing at what we love the most. Rough, eh? That’s what kills our dreams, the mind tricking us into believing that we just can’t do it. But you see, your mind is actually, by design, masochistic. I’ll tell you why – evolutionarily speaking, your brain seeks to be in a comfortable state at all times. Comfortable is safe. Comfortable allows you to see into the future (or so we think). Any modification to our routine upsets the mind because our brain wants to protect us and so it imagines the worst possible scenario with any variation in order to keep us ‘alive’. If it can’t predict the future, how can it keep us safe?

Now let me tell you something else – your mind is your worst enemy when it comes to making a positive change. You have to train it just like a puppy to trust you. The overbearing mother in your head doesn’t know what is best or what you are capable of. It can’t see beyond the discomfort and that doubt becomes a massive roadblock. Try this exercise – Next time you encounter a problem in your life, imagine the worst possible scenario and then… Accept it. Accept the most terrible outcome of your situation. Doing this frees you. After you’ve accepted the worst, your mind switches gears to problem-solving mode and leaves you to think up a creative solution that you otherwise would not have had the mental energy to do because you were too busy worrying about the worst. For most of us, the worst never happens. That is statistically true. Dale Carnegie says so.

I was working a full time job at an insurance company that was sucking the soul right out of my mouth, daily, 9-5. I thought I had to because I have a mortgage and responsibilities but this, my friends, is a trap. I was so afraid that I would lose my mind or lose my job and then lose my house and stop living. I wanted to be a writer and travel the world but this fear of dying of hunger or being bombarded by collection calls kept me from making any changes. So I figured, after a bout of anxiety attacks and countless sleepless nights, that if I was going to live a life as a shell, I might as well live it out doing what I wanted to do.

So I made changes. I didn’t quit my job, but I did go down to part time. I have been selling all the useless junk that I don’t need and I cut out luxuries that cost more than any pleasure they could have possibly afforded me. I use my extra time to write just for myself or to share with other people. I see my friends and family and I cook thrifty meals at home. I have had to become resourceful and it has been so exciting. No, I don’t make millions. No, I can’t travel to Europe – yet. But I see that as a possibility now. If I lose my house, then I lose my house. I’ll find a job or do something else that actually interests me to survive and who knows, maybe that will let me see more of the world.

Don’t be afraid to make a change for yourself. You have one life to live, whether you believe in reincarnation or the afterlife or whatever. This is the only opportunity you have, now, in this moment, to do what drives you. Let your inspiration guide you and trust yourself. You might just inspire others to do the same, and how cool of a world would that be? Where everyone does whatever makes them happy.. and then shares it with the world.


Challenge: Accepted

Lately it seems like I’ve been stuck in a rut. Every new avenue I explore leads to a dead end and it is quite disheartening. There are so many dreams I want to fulfill for myself; traveling has always been the salve to my soul. So, what is the best way to face a challenge of seeming stagnation and overcome it? How does one take undesired aspects of one’s life and work them until its molded into something desired?

With the scientific method, of course.

I graduated with a biology degree. My diploma is currently sitting on a shelf, gathering dust, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still have a valuable skillset at my disposal. Here’s my attempt at identifying issues, gathering data and vaulting over challenges. Maybe you could add your own flair to it. Add your own valuable skills into the equation and you will succeed. Honestly, it is only a matter of time.

My problem: I work at a call center. I don’t want to work at a call center. I need the money to maintain rent, food and my large dog. My job occasionally leaves me dead inside.

Goals: to have a steady income from writing so that I may travel. Also, writing is cool. Also, writing doesn’t leave me dead inside.

Steps: Great question..

Just kidding

But seriously..

What steps do I take? Well firstly, securing some kind of job in the writing field, even as a freelancer. Something, anything to dip my toe in. For many of us, putting ourselves out there is a terrifying endeavor. Rejection is real and it can be a real downer. But that’s not the type of mindset that will get you anywhere you want to be.

The first real step is acknowledging your fears, babying them, and then throwing them into a pit of fire. Because that is where they belong. So what if someone rejects you? JK Rowling was rejected countless times before a publisher decided to take a risk. Look at her now. Sheesh. And she’s a real person.


After deciding to push aside unproductive fear, the next step is discipline. Creating a routine puts focus on your goals. Tracking your progress allows you to see how far you’ve come and builds confidence. I believe, this is key. And after some time, once you’ve realized that you aren’t going to give up on yourself, that’s when the real magic happens.

Lastly, education. Read all the books. And I mean ALL OF THEM. Read a book a week about the subject you want to be a master in. Listen to podcasts. Have conversations with strangers or friends, whatever. It doesn’t matter. Just immerse yourself and integrate your passion into everything you do.

Eventually, the right contact will notice you, the right employer will pick up your resume and smile or the right investor will throw money at you for your excellent idea.

Just don’t quit.


Synchronicity – What of it?

I have given up on the idea that I’ll reach a stagnant point of comfort. What I mean by that is that I understand life is another word for constant change and it’s easier to accept that truth than to fight it.

Besides, it would be so dismally boring if you knew what to expect every day, wouldn’t it?

I had been fighting with the idea of reaching a peak in my life that was stable enough to where I had everything I needed and wanted at the same time. Recently, I’ve been introduced to the idea of ‘synchronicity’. Now, there are many variations of thought with that simple word. The one I am referring to is synchronicity of self. Allow me to elaborate.

A question that I often come across in my life is “What’s next?”

There’s a way of living out there that encourages you to connect with a higher self in order to recognize important ‘coincidences’ in your life that illuminate your next steps. Essentially, you accept yourself and identify all your glorious root issues (many that stem from childhood) and then absolve them one by one until you’ve reached a total state of self awareness. What an easy feat. HAH.

Anyway – as you go about slaying your problems and becoming the ultimate enlightened being ninja warrior, you begin to acknowledge that your life is no random occurrence. It is actually an incredibly complex and beautiful design with multiple side trails that all lead to the same endpoint. This realization brings forth a sense of clarity and truth that only you can understand for yourself. Clarity leads to confidence of self which in turn builds your energy. With a higher energy output, we can manifest our thoughts more readily. Everyday we have a question, whether you realize it or not, of what to expect. What’s next?


When you have synchronized yourself with the flow of the energy of the universe, you can recognize coincidences as important occurrences in life that require attention. The questions we ask in our daily lives are answered by our surroundings. For example, people that enter our lives after we have some seemingly random thought about them is, actually, no random occurrence. It’s a sign that someone has a message to share with us regarding the questions we have posed. And as it turns out, we have a message for them as well. Keep your questions at the forefront of your mind and seek the answers through interactions and areas of your life that stand out. You may be surprised by what you discover. In my experience, this mentality has enriched my life exponentially.

It all boils down to your intuition. Most of us are so disconnected that our intuition is a flicker of momentary indigestion. We are unsure and anxious, fearful even, of what the future may hold, but as we learn to trust ourselves, our intuition grows and develops into a powerful guiding force. You know yourself better than anyone else ever could. Why wouldn’t You trust, well, YOU?

We are human, and humans are flawed, but we spend so much of our precious time worrying and fretting over the most trivial of matters. All these negative emotions cause us to lower our energy, which disconnects us further and creates a vicious cycle of negativity. It’s about time we break free of that and surrender our need for material control in favor of mental control. Create the life that you want by believing that you deserve goodness and love and happiness. Because you do. And if someone says otherwise, then they are only using you as a mirror for their own insecurities. Break free of the negative feedback loop. Become self aware. Trust yourself and the universe. You are loved. You are complete. You are capable.


Flying Solo

Allow me to update you on the current chaos that is my life

Still 25. Still divorced.

However –

I have successfully moved 12 hours away from my family.

I have my own place (It’s pretty nice if I may say so myself), and a well paying, corporate job. Imagine that. Quite an upgrade from living in your parent’s office and serving coffee to America’s disgruntled workforce.

Now, although this may be true, my coffee table is a cardboard box, my fridge contents can be counted on one hand and my couch also happens to serve as my bed. I couldn’t be happier. It’s all mine and I worked hard for it.

Living alone for the first time in my life is, well, lonely. I come home ready to share an epic work story, but my wall isn’t much of a conversationalist and my cat quickly loses interest. Fickle beast.

I do appreciate the solitude for the growth that it offers. When you’re forced to face your ugly truths, there’s no better time or place to do it than when you’re alone in your apartment at 2 am, trying to murder the radioactive monster roach on your ceiling with a towel and a can of hairspray. I did that, by the way. And after I disposed of his body, I sat in my bedroom floor and wailed the pity is me song. Where’s that great man in my life who will take care of the bugs for me? Where is the one who calls me as he’s driving home from work, asking me what I’d like for dinner? Will I never have a loving foot massage again?

The ugly truth is that I don’t know how to be alone. I am afraid to consider a future without a partner. I never thought I was someone who needed another person to be happy but when you’ve been in a committed relationship for 7 years and that suddenly drops off, it leaves you breathless as you spiral down the single void. I never realized how much I needed that human interaction. And, if we’re being honest, how little I valued it at the time. So what’s my next learning experience? Killing cockroaches like Al Pacino.



Kind of.

My next learning experience is learning how to depend solely on myself.

So far I’ve installed my own internet and cable (they were going to charge me $70 for someone to come out?! Crazy.) I have hooked up my own washer and dryer. I’ve assembled my own bed. I cook and clean and I take care of the bills. All by myself. Like a big girl.

I know that eventually, I will learn to love this new, solo lifestyle but I don’t know how to adjust to not having some emotional rock to cling to. Having no one to share your day with is the hardest part of this business.

But I’m going to learn how to live happily without that.


I don’t know who to call when I can’t get that damn wine bottle open.


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